The strange intruder

Rooftop, Iola November 2009.

I used to have my camera with me at all times when I was in 11th grade. I shot everyone and everything from the floor, on chairs, in their faces. I have dozens of gigabytes (oh the digital age!) worth of photographs of at least 5 days out of the week and a small box filled with film that I don't even remember what i shot on.

But now, it's more considerate. Now things feel more delicate to photograph.

Is it that I've become more conscious of what a camera means in any social situation? Is it a transition from my compulsive journalist way to a more considerate documentary way?

This all bothered me extremely just this past thanksgiving break.

My boyfriend (seen here on the left of this photograph) came at the very beginning of the break. Keeping in mind our project on what home meats to us, I thought this was a good opportunity for photographs. I charged my camera the night before. I took little under 200 pictures, nothing like the 300 shots a day I used to do.

It felt a bit, interruptive. I thought about doing it but even with my boyfriend I couldn't just grab the camera and snap away. I took only a few pictures, the rest of the time, I had the camera set down somewhere around the room.

I thought it was just maybe that it was him. Or the fact that he was here for only a few days.

Until thanksgiving day. My FYE professor invited everyone in the class who was staying on-campus for the fall break to come over her house. I thought, this is perfect for the Home project. It speaks to the idea of being miles away from home to not even spend a day like this with family. But I couldn't bring myself to ask. It was as if there was this delicate social intricacy to the moment that I didn't want broken, and much less could break, because it all felt so personal, like I had to experience it first, before knowing how to approach it photographically.

Is it that I'm realizing how proprietary photography is at firsthand?

But the numbers of pictures has gone down. Within the first week of being here in school I had taken 1200 pictures or so. I took less than that in the month of November. It's all more spaced apart.

I can't say I know. Maybe we're going through a rough patch, photography and I. Maybe I'm just getting used to the environment again. But rarely do I decide to bring the camera along now. Sometimes it feels a bit intrusive.

Pardon the melodrama, but I guess only time could tell?